


I'll Never Forget

by moonlittides



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Dreams, F/M, Heavy Angst, Human/Vampire Relationship, Recovered Memories, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 19:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlittides/pseuds/moonlittides
Summary: After visiting Angel in LA, Buffy begins to have vivid dreams of an alternate life she and Angel could’ve had if he had been human. When Angel goes to Sunnydale to apologise to Buffy for his behaviour in LA, things get heated and Buffy comes to realise that her dreams might be more than just dreams. Set during BTVS 4x20.





	I'll Never Forget

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for day 7 of Bangel Week earlier in the year. This set in BTVS 4x20 and loosely based on canon of that episode. It’s a scene I always felt was missing from the series and so I wanted to bring it to life. As to be expected, this is very angsty. It is Buffy and Angel after all.

* * *

Angel feeds Buffy a spoonful of ice cream and the sweet taste eludes moans from deep in her throat. 

“Mmm, this is a dream,” she says. “You’re human for like a minute and already there is cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in the fridge.“ 

“God, I love food,” Angel beams. 

“Food is good,” Buffy agrees before feeding Angel some chocolate and leaning in for a kiss. 

"Why didn’t you ever tell me about chocolate and peanut butter?” Angel asks.

The two lean back onto the bed beside each other.

“Well, I figured if your vamp taste buds couldn’t really savor it, then it would only hurt you, you know? By the way, I’m over the whole needing to be mature thing. That time you just spent in the kitchen? That was enough time apart." 

Angel replies with a smile, "Too much." 

They kiss and some ice cream drips from the spoon onto his bare chest. 

"Okay, mortal coordination leaving something to be desired." 

"Wrong. It’s just right,” Buffy replies leaning down and licking the ice cream off his chest. 

Angel chuckles light heartedly and wraps his arms about her body pulling her in close and kissing her again, their giggles of joy mingling. 

* * *

Buffy jolts awake, a cold sweat covering her body and her breathing jagged. She’s overwhelmed with emotion, thoughts of Angel filling up every space inside her body. When she looks to her side and sees an empty space in her bed, she realises that it was just a dream and the reality of that brings with it a blunt pain that bears down on her chest making it hard to breathe. 

She sobs, her entire body wracked with the pain of a love that can never be. No matter how much time passes, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. Angel is the love of her life and she knows he will always be a part of her, but she hoped that with enough time she would stop being consumed with the heartbreak and regret at not being with him. It appears that’s not going to happen. 

Dreams of Angel have become a part of her nightly routine since her visit to LA a few days ago. Seeing Angel again seems to have opened the flood gates and her every waking minute she is haunted by the dreams she has of him, that are so perfect and tragic one could imagine them having been ripped straight from a book of fairy tales. 

She’s had many dreams of Angel over the years, but none quite like these ones. They’re so vivid, so  _real_ and they seem to all follow the same plot - Angel is human, she is with him and they’re beyond happy. 

In many ways the dreams are nightmares since they are nothing but a harsh and cruel reminder that Buffy will never have the same chance to build a life with the man she loves that all other normal people do. 

Part of her wishes she could forget Angel, the pain he’s caused her and the love she has for him. She wishes that she could forget  _all_  of it, but at the same time she would rather die than live in a world where she doesn’t know Angel. Even if they can’t be together and even if he’s devastated her more than anyone or anything else ever could, loving him has changed her life forever and she could never take that back.

When it comes to Angel, she doesn’t want to forget a minute of the time they spent together, not even a second. 

Angel’s journey to Sunnydale has felt frustratingly long, no doubt exaggerated by his brooding and inner turmoil over Buffy. He replays what he said and the way he spoke to her the other day over and over in his mind.  

“ _You don’t know me anymore, so don’t come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. Go home.”_

He considered calling Buffy to apologise, but he knows he has to do it face to face. She means too much for him to do anything less.

He feels shame for his lack of self control and for letting her get to him, but seeing her face to face for the first time since  _that day_ was harder than he ever imagined it would be. 

_“You alone will carry the memory of this day. Can you carry that burden?”_

He thought he could, but it’s eating him up from the inside. The memories of how it felt to hold Buffy in his arms, warm flesh against warm flesh, heartbeat to heartbeat, to entwine his body and soul with hers unreservedly and without fear or shame - they torment him day and night. Nothing will ever compare to the completeness, contentment and joy of that day and knowing he will never have it again makes him feel that there’s no reason to go on. For a life without love, without  _Buffy_  is meaningless to him. 

He’s not sure if he envies or pities Buffy for not remembering that day. Unlike him, she’s not haunted by the memories of what could’ve been but she will also never know just how damn amazing they could’ve been together -  _were_  together.

As he walks through the hallways of Buffy’s college and comes to a halt outside her dorm room, he questions his decision to come here. Is he not making it even harder on himself by coming here? The only way he’s survived so far is by keeping her at a distance, but he can feel his resolve weakening and if he’s being honest with himself, he didn’t come here just to apologise he  _wants_  to see Buffy. 

But even as he doubts himself, he knocks the door without a second thought because when it comes to Buffy logic and reason don’t enter the equation. He’s drawn to her and regardless of whether it’s a wise decision or not, he  _needs_  to see her.  

* * *

Buffy gets up from her desk, a puzzled frown on her face at who might be at her door. When she opens it, the face she least expected to see stares back at her causing her heart to seize beating. 

His dark intense eyes are locked on hers and she struggles to catch her breath as she swallows hard and strains her voice to say, “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Angel responds. 

She’s at a loss for words. He has scarcely left her mind all day and now here he is standing before her. She wraps her arms about herself and pinches her arm just to double check this isn’t a dream. 

“Can I– Can I come in?” Angel stammers. 

“Oh, sure,” Buffy says gesturing for him to enter. 

“Um…yeah, I’m gonna need a little more than that.” 

“Oh, sorry. You can come in.” 

Angel nods and steps over the threshold. Although there’s still more than four feet separating them, Buffy feels her body react to Angel being so near. He seems to feel it too, because it looks as though he’s struggling to breathe, despite the fact that he’s a vampire and technically doesn’t breathe. 

“So what’s up? Why did you come?” Buffy asks putting on her best poker face and attempting to hide the profound effect he has on her.

Angel clears his throat. “I, um, I couldn’t leave it how we left it in LA. I had to come and apologise for how I spoke to you.” 

“Oh.” Buffy hangs her head and nods. 

“I shouldn’t have said what I said and I shouldn’t have got mad at you. I’m so sorry.” 

Buffy shakes her head. “You were right. We’re from different worlds now and I had no right to come in and judge you for your choices.” 

“That’s still no excuse for the way I behaved.” 

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Buffy meets his eyes. “I’m sorry too.” 

Their gaze intensifies the many things left unsaid and repressed emotions between them building and building until Buffy feels she’s going to explode. 

“Is that the only reason you came?” she asks breaking the silence. 

“Um… yeah.” 

“You know, you could’ve called.” 

She says it as though she would’ve preferred if he had called, but she wouldn’t. Regardless of the tension, awkwardness and pain of seeing him that goes right down to her bones, she wouldn’t trade seeing him again for anything.

“I thought about it, but I– I wanted to see you face to face. To apologise properly.” 

Buffy nods. “Well, thank you. It– It means a lot to me that you came.” 

She walks close to where Angel stands leaning against the counter and places her hand atop his. 

Suddenly bolts of electricity flow through her body and as she looks down at hers and Angel’s hands she sees flashes from her dreams before her very eyes. 

 _Angel’s hand, her hand, tension, her shining blue eyes, his rich dark eyes, gazing, hands clasping each other, lips colliding, euphoria, fireworks_ …

Buffy rips her hand away from Angel’s and puts it to her head, overwhelmed with the intensity of the visions and emotions that go with them. She’s experienced deja vu before but this is something entirely different and inexplicable. 

Angel frowns at her with confusion. “Buffy?” 

“I–I’m sorry. I–I–I don’t know what happened,” Buffy stammers. “I just got a little woozy. I’ll be okay. I think– I just need some water.” 

“Are you sure?” Angel asks with concern. 

Buffy nods and goes over to the fridge to get a bottle of water. When she closes the fridge door, she feels her body become overwhelmed with the feeling once more. 

_Buffy in Angel’s arms, their bodies slamming violently into the fridge, hands frantically grasping at each other’s skin, desperate and passionate kisses, moans of pleasure…_

“What the hell is going on?” Buffy gasps aloud. 

She can taste Angel’s lips, feel his body pressed against her, his hands clutched around her frame as though it’s happening right now. She recalls how real it felt when she dreamed it, but now it feels more real than it’s ever felt before. 

“Buffy, what is it?” 

“Something– Something’s happening to me.” 

Angel swings around to face her fully. “What do you mean? What’s happening?” he asks worriedly. 

“No, you know what? Don’t pretend to care!” Buffy exclaims in a sudden fit of rage, the confusion of what’s happening coming out side wards in the form of frustration.  “You said it yourself, we’re from different worlds and me and my life aren’t your concern anymore.” 

“Buffy…”

“No! You got mad at me for coming to LA and interfering in your life so don’t come here and do the same to me.” 

“That’s not what I was doing.” 

She scoffs. “Really? Because it seems to me that’s all you ever do. You interfere in my life and then go back to pretending I don’t exist when it suits you.” 

“When? When do I do that?” 

“You came to Sunnydale without even telling me! You went behind my back, decided that I shouldn’t see you and then went back to LA and carried on with your life like it never happened!”

“We already talked about that and I explained.” 

“Yes, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not fair!” 

At this point Buffy’s anger is illogical and in part unjustified. It’s a manifestation of the ferocious tornado of thoughts and emotions inside her heart and head that she can no longer control. 

“Fair? Buffy none of this is fair!” Angel yells. “You think I don’t know how this feels? You think I like having to stay away from you? That it doesn’t kill me everyday? I would give up everything in a heartbeat to change it if I could.” 

Buffy stares up at him, panting heavily, tears brimming in her eyes. In the blink of an eye the pair have closed the few feet separating them, their bodies crashing together violently, their lips melding together as though they were made for each other. 

Angel’s lips breathe life back into her and more of the familiar visions from Buffy’s dreams bombard her, overwhelming her with sensations she never knew possible. 

_The beach, Angel appearing in the sunlight and kissing her; the kitchen table; ice-cream and chocolate; falling asleep in Angel’s arms; the thump-thump-thump of his heartbeat; the bliss; the clock, tick-tock-tick-tock; I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never…_

“…forget.”

Breathlessly Angel pulls away from Buffy’s mouth, her voice having broken the spell.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I–I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong to– I’m sorry.” 

He steps away from her, filled with self-loathing at his complete lack of restraint. 

Buffy has her eyes closed firmly shut her mind spinning as she tries to make sense of what’s just happened. When she opens them, she walks back up to Angel and looks up at him. 

The intensity in her eyes scares him and he asks, “Buffy, what’s wrong?” 

Tears are streaming down Buffy’s face, her heart pounding so hard in her chest she feels it’s going to break her ribcage in two. She takes her hand and places it lightly on Angel’s chest. 

“I felt your heartbeat.” 

Her voice is quiet but Angel hears her words clearly and stares at her wide eyed in disbelief. The words echoing in his ears and reminding him of  _that day_.

“I remember,” Buffy says through shaky breaths. “The dreams I’ve been having…they aren’t dreams they’re memories.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“You really were human,” Buffy says looking up at Angel through wide tear filled eyes. “You–you came into the light and you kissed me. You made love to me all night, held me in your arms until you fell asleep.” 

“Buffy, stop.” Angel shakes his head, unable to hear her words any more for the hurt is too much to bear. 

“Then you went to the oracles and asked them to turn you back. Why–why would you do that?” 

Angel can’t comprehend or understand how it’s possible that Buffy remembers, but knows she does from the haunted look in her eyes that matches his and the truth she’s speaking. 

“You know why.” 

Buffy shakes her head. “You gave me a minute. A minute, Angel!” Buffy screams in anger. 

“Because I knew if I gave us any longer I wouldn’t be able to go through with it,” Angel explains.

“You had no right to do that to me! You took away my memories, you erased that day as though it was nothing, you made me forget everything we did, you…” Buffy trails off unable to get out any more words than that through the sobs that taking her over. 

“It was the only way.” 

“No, no, don’t give me that crap. There’s always another way, you just didn’t try to find for one.” 

“I was saving your life.” 

“I don’t need you to save my life! I can take care of myself, I’ve always taken care of myself.” 

“You know why it couldn’t have worked. We both know.” 

“We could’ve tried! You could’ve given us a chance!” Buffy screams. 

“You think I didn’t want to? Do you think this has been easy on me? Having to live everyday remembering it all knowing you didn’t?” 

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare!” Buffy rages storming towards him. 

“It’s a burden I was supposed to carry alone and it’s a price I agreed to to make sure you were safe. To save your life.”

“And what does that mean, huh? What does my life mean without you? Did you even think about that?” 

The words have left Buffy’s mouth before she’s even had chance to think and she realises how desperate and pathetic she sounds. 

Angel shakes his head. “Your life is so much more than me.” 

Buffy sighs shakily. “You’re right, but it doesn’t  _feel_  like that. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget about you. I can’t stop missing you, I can’t stop wishing things were different and I  _can’t_  stop loving you.” 

Angel hangs his head, unable to stand knowing how much pain he causes her. He wishes he could take it all away but he can’t. 

“That’s why it was better for you to never know. What would be the point in you remembering? It was just a fantasy. One perfect day that’s nothing but a bitter reminder of what we want but can never have.” 

“Who says we can’t have it?” 

“Buffy…” Angel shakes his head begging her with a pleading stare to put an end to the torment she’s causing herself and him by being in denial. 

Buffy inhales sharply and closes her eyes, tears falling from her eyes onto her shirt as she accepts reality. 

Angel is a vampire and she’s a Slayer, and even if he’d remained human, it never would’ve worked. Angel was right. The price would’ve been her life, his or of the people they’re sworn to protect. A price neither of them can pay regardless of how much they love each other. 

“But it’s too late. I  _do_  remember. I remember everything. Everything we were, everything we could’ve been…” 

A loud sob escapes her and Angel instinctively steps towards her to comfort her. She practically collapses into his arms and he holds her head against his chest as she cries. 

“How can we do this again?” she asks through sobs. “How can we say goodbye? How can we go on knowing what we could’ve been?” 

Tears of his own well up in Angel’s eyes. “I–I don’t know.” 

Buffy sobs harder.  Angel takes Buffy’s head in his hands and tilts her face up so her eyes are on his. 

“Hey, no matter what happens I love you. I will always love you. Nothing can change that. Not ever.” 

Hearing those words from him only makes it ten times more painful to say goodbye. Buffy closes her eyes tightly, before throwing herself into him and kissing him desperately and fervidly. 

Her lips are pressed against his hard, their tongues massaging each other’s firmly and passionately and she wraps her arms around him pulling his body into hers as tightly as she can as though she is trying to drown in him. Their faces are soaked with each other’s tears and it’s a kiss neither of them want to ever end because they know when it does, they will have lost each other all over again. 

“I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget.” 

Buffy mumbles it over and over through their frenzied kisses which only grow more intense and heated as they accept that this is truly the end. 

Angel clings to her tightly just as he did  _that day_ , letting her words seep into his consciousness and he vows that he will never forget either. This very moment will remain etched in his memory and in his heart for the rest of his immortal life. 

As for Buffy, she’ll never forget either. She’ll never forget Angel; she’ll never forget how much he means to her; she’ll never forget the memories they’ve shared - the pain and the joy; she’ll never forget the perfect day of bliss they spent together that will remain always as the happiest day of her life; she’ll never forget how much she loves him and she’ll never forget that though their love is not enough to conquer all it will never die. 

It’s a love forged by the stars between two souls destined that will be connected to each other for eternity. 

It’s a forever love. 


End file.
